For the last nine, wait seven, okay maybe five years I’ve been thinking about one question: “What do I have that the honorable Prime Minister Narendra Modi, sorry Narendra Modiji, or let me just say Prime Ministerji, doesn’t have. Looks? No way. Modiji is damn too handsome! Have you seen his beard? If Santa Claus and Valmiki had a son, would his beard be as snow white and fluffy as Modiji’s? Daddyji, can I please play with your beard?
Is it money? Do you see me swimming in Ambani’s swimming pool? Have you seen me fly in an Adani superjet? I only have a regular private jet and sometimes I even fly first class to save money.
I thought about all of this hard and long, slow and soft. I did five thousand push ups so I can think properly. I bathed in the holy Ganges and underwent treatment for Malaria and acute dysentry. I looked in the mirror for a long time. First I would just comb my hair again and again and then I thought why don’t I try to count all the hair on my head? After I finished counting my head hair I moved to my chest and legs. I am ashamed to count my hair anywhere else. Plus I need help to count the hair on my backside. You can understand why no?
I stared into the mirror for days together and I thought: Rahul why are you staring at me all day long? That too with puppy eyes? Am I so cute or what?
I said: “A is for Apple. B is for Babu. C is for Karva Chauth.” I know what D is for but I don’t feel like saying it. Mummy says when you are bored, count to three. I am still bored at 50, what can I do? M is for Mister. N is for Nipple. O is for Oh MY GOD! P is for Papa not Pappu.
STOP CALLING ME PAPPU OKAY? When I scream my heart hurts and my nipples get hard. I started asking myself questions. Deep questions like: “ Rahul, what is the Intent of your Content?” I kept thinking about this question when I jumped off a fishing boat in Kerala so I could swim in the sea. It’s easier to enter the ocean that way.
RAHUL RAHUL PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS THE INTENT OF YOUR CONTENT? I took off my shirt and pinched my nipples. They were so pink. I dialed Mummy. Sorry Mummyji. She put me on Facetime because she likes to watch my mouth when I speak.
“Look how pink my nipples are.”
“Yes, very pink. Good boy Rahul. Now let Mummy sleep okay?” N is for Nipples. A is for Africa. A is also for Africans. Yes I know these nipples must be the pinkest in Africa. B is for Black. You can understand now right? I can’t say my nipples are the pinkest in India. There are too many nipples to count in India.