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Thursday, October 22, 2020

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God Decides to Quit Tinder

God announced from what is assumed to be heaven, that he has formally quit Tinder. This announcement ends widespread speculation that the popular dating app was influenced by divine forces. The announcement came in two formats. The first was a stormy cloud formation that spelled out the words: “I am God. I am no longer on Tinder,” in four hundred different languages for four days and four nights around the world. The second announcement occurred with a series of meteor showers, each ending with the simultaneous dropping of a stone tablet, etched with the same message from God. One of the earliest stone tablet dropping occurred with a crash through the roof of the Sistine Chapel. Pope Francis who was present during the crash confirmed that the stone tablet did not injure anyone at the Vatican and had only dented the bench of the chapel pipe organ in ” a very amusing fashion.” Asked about what he thought about God’s presence on Tinder, Pope Francis declined to comment. Later on Twitter, the Pope tweeted: ” Everyone deserves to be forgiven, even God.”

“I mean, I can’t believe guys I ghosted after swiping right seven years ago, are still messaging me,” said Vanessa Longhorn, a hairdresser from Baldwin NY. “If I knew God was swiping right and left on Tinder, I would have taken the app more seriously, said Ms. Longhorn.”

“I am what I am,” boasted God on his original Tinder profile, which has been archived by the Library of Congress. Critics have argued that by quoting his lines from “The Exodus” to Moses, God was self-plagiarizing his divine voice and was unwilling to be more original, a personality trait crucial to Millenniall and Gen-Z casual sex partners. ” I can’t believe that God would care about something like FWB or friends with benefits,” said DariousNotSoCurious a sapiosexual pansexual polyamorous heteroflexible submissive yet dominant vegan animal rights Antiffa activist on Tinder who refused to disclose his or her real name to The Literati. ” Heaven, must get really lonely, I know all about Heaven and everything you could possibly imagine about loneliness” said President Trump when asked to comment on God’s decision to quit Tinder.

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